People-Triggers

“People-Triggers” (Interpersonal Pet Peeves that “Push My Buttons”)

  • Little rudenesses, well-intentioned but clumsy remarks
  • “Weird” looks and gestures, especially if somewhat hostile or abandoning
  • Being “force fed” a positive mental attitude
  • Coercive cheerful jollying
  • Well-intentioned advice such as “calm down,” or “you don’t need to be upset,” or “forgive for your own sake”, or “think of something else,” or “focus on your breathing,” or “let it go”
  • Someone else’s extreme serenity, “holier than thou,” “more serene than thou,”“more peace-loving than thou”
  • Negative feedback
  • Someone receiving something I’ve been longing for but don’t have
  • Being left out
  • Being lectured to
  • “Know it all” behavior
  • Creepy interactions
  • Lack of agreement
  • Direct disagreement
  • Being misunderstood
  • Not being able to follow what someone is saying; feeling confused
  • Belittling of any sort, snottiness
  • Being argued with
  • Having mistakes pointed out; being corrected
  • Not being chosen
  • Someone changing the subject
  • Feeling “out of sync” with the people I’m with
  • Being shamed or judged for being upset or distressed
  • Someone “raining on my parade”


  •  Teasing
  • Having what I said twisted into something I didn’t say
  • Realizing the person I’m talking to doesn’t “get” me
  • Being interrupted
  • Being told “don’t worry”
  • Feeling “used”
  • Scrambled communication
  • Other person’s responses miss the point
  • Difficulty following or understanding what someone is saying
  • Someone seems not to be following or understanding me
  • Being told I’m not capable of something I really can do quite well
  • Having an accomplishment minimized
  • Being “dissed”
  • Being told “just do it.”
  • Being unrealistically encouraged
  • Receiving shame-based pep-talks: “you aren’t a wuss who can’t do this/”
  • Being put on the spot, having to speak or stand up or be looked at
  • Being challenged to explain myself or my position on something
  • Being asked to do something for someone,
  • Hearing someone else, especially an enemy or “frenemy,” be praised.
  • Physical contacts, being touched, not touched, moved aside
  • Sensing that another person “looked at me funny”
  • Unfair blame
  • Being sharply spoken to
  • Telling a joke that received no laughter, while another person’s joke did
  • Realizing a listener presumes to understand but doesn’t
  • Being where everyone else was upset and their upset was contagious
  • Tangential responses
  • Being caught in a bind, “damned if I do and damned if I don’t”
  • Being interrupted
  • Receiving faint praise when hearty congratulations are called for
  • Having an accomplishment overlooked or one-upped.

Interpersonal Absence

  • Lack. Wanting. Waiting. Unsatisfied. Ignored.
  • Wanting a kind of interaction or responsiveness that just isn’t happening
  • Experiencing long pauses before response to what I’ve shared
  • receiving no response at all to what I’ve shared
  • Being rejected, left out of the loop, skipped over
  • Having someone look away while I was speaking
  • Being excluded
  • Feeling lonely, especially in the presence of other people
  • Longing for soothing, comfort, help
  • Waiting for someone who is late
  • Having plans cancelled with little notice or last minute
  • Being “ghosted”
  • Not being thanked
  • Having to ask for help

Indirect People-Triggers

  • Discontinuation of product, service, or menu item
  • Favorite checkout person or receptionist quits
  • Loud noises; din
  • Too many people; crowds
  • Long lines, long waits
  • Traffic, driving rudenesses, cut offs
  • Being kept “on hold” during a phone call

Sensory Indirect People-Triggers

  • Someone wearing a particular style of clothing, even the particular drape of a woman’s blouse
  • Being touched, brushed up against, handshake
  • Tone of voice; voice quality; accent, dialect, regional speech, slang expressions
  • Perfume, body lotion, body odors, sweat in the subway or crowd
  • Background noises from a playground, sports, or party

 

Surprising Triggers: Events That Seem Like They Would Make Anyone Happy Actually Trigger Some People

(The classic case of surprising triggers is the research done by Matina Horner in the 1970’s on women’s “fear of success: “College women responded to story prompts such as “woman finds herself at top of first year medical school class” with stories like “she feels happy at first but then her classmates beat her up and she is maimed for life.”) [1]

  • Success: (Like the woman student getting high marks on exam)
  • Having fun; exuberance; loud laughter
  • Being praised
  • Being complimented
  • Being chosen as a winner
  • Being singled out as special
  • Feeling proud: good-looking, smart, talented, popular, accomplished

[1] Vivian Gornick, “Why Radcliffe Women are Afraid of Success,” New York Times, Jan. 1, 1973, https://www.nytimes.com/1973/01/14/archives/why-radcliffe-women-are-afraid-of-success-research-by-matina-horner.html.